I grew up in church and lived most of my young life in and out of God's will. Most of my 'life choices' were made when I was out of God's will and have had a lasting impact on me. However I always felt His presence and could hear him whispering to me that I was making a mistake - I just didn't care enough to listen. The battle within me was raging between my flesh and the Spirit. I couldn't quite turn lose of myself and trust God to run my life. Several years later I decided that I needed to get my act together for God. So I began doing the "right" thing. You know following all the rules - serving in the church doing whatever I could to make me feel good at the time. I wasn't doing all those really big bad sins anymore and the good things I was doing were most certainly cancelling out the little sins in my life. Then God slowly began to teach me about grace. I began to realize I couldn't do enough because He had done it all!!! I had no trouble accepting God's love - I just needed to understand the concept of grace. Through the power of the Holy Spirit I do understand God's grace - I know that there is NOTHING I can do to warrant His magnificant abundant grace. That concept alone makes me want to worship and praise Him!
However, I have still struggled with some theological issues. I guess because I grew up in a strong denomination and in a Christian home I have always had some strong beliefs. I recently have come to realize alot of those beliefs are legalistic, not very scriptural, and have not been very healthy for me and my relationships. God has been teaching me about the spiritual war that has gone on in my life for a very long time! Conquering Addictions has helped me lay to rest several things from my past that have haunted me; and it continues to teach me new truths from God's Word. I have become aware of the battle between religion and The Gospel. I think I have had a clear understanding of The Gospel, but I have been guilty of holding on to man's laws and judging others based on man's law instead of leaning on The Gospel. It can be a struggle to live under the umbrella of God's grace and not get tangled in the web of legalism. The past few years I have felt a release from being judgmental. Today I was reading Galations 5 and felt a fresh understanding of God's Word. So I decided to see how this scripture was worded in The Message.
It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. ...
Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. ...
Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law dominated excistence?
It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat compettion; all consuming yet never satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
But what happens when we live God's way?
Galations 5: 13-22
I love the wording of these verses in The Message!
I want to 'live freely and animated' for Christ!
I want to be 'motivated by God's Spirit'!
I want to 'escape the erratic compulsions of a law dominated existence.'
And that list of destructive behaviors - 'a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; all consuming yet never satisfied wants; divided homes and divided lives; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions' - Why do I let myself get caught up in such things when I know there is so much better for me! God has such a better desire for me!!
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Galations 5:22-25
(The Message vs 26 - That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.)
Lord Jesus - Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for stretching me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your abundant grace that continues to cover me. I pray that I will be motivated by Your Spirit; that I will live freely and animated for Christ. I pray that the Fruit of Your Spirit will empower me each day. Remind me each and every day to ask for Your power and strength to live for You. Help me to escape the erratic compulsions of a law dominated existance. I want to avoid emotional garbage and chaos. May You be the only thing I am addicted to!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Freedom from Bondage
Conquering Addictions continues to stir up the pit and at the same time my God continues to sweetly break me free from the bondage that has held me for 35 years!!! It is amazing to me and greatly saddens me that I could be forgiven but still held captive by sin that has been repented of and turned away from!
Last Tuesday the topic of discussion was confession - not just confession to the Lord but, of all things, confession to another believer. I have never been one to believe in public confession - God alone forgives my sin so why would I need to tell any human of my transgressions? Well that is not what we were taught last week. We were reminded that God's Word does say "confess your sins one to another". Another one of my biggest arguments with this whole thing has been that Satan likes to remind me too much of my past failures - I do NOT need to give him an opening to rub certain things in my face again. So I have been adament that I was NOT going to participate in confession and revealing my 'inventories' to anyone - it was just going to be between myself and my God! Well, as usual, the Lord had a different plan. He began to pester my about a shameful secret from my past (35 years ago).
This particular sin has been a heavy burden that Satan has repeatedly told me "If anyone finds out about this, you will lose all respect and they won't want to be around you anymore" "God may have forgiven you, but you will never be rid of this - it is way too BAD for you to forgive yourself".
As I prayed about this particular situation and asked God first of all to 'please don't make me do this - please don't make me confess this to anyone - there certainly can't be any good reason to confess this - I have been forgiven and turned from the sin never to return to it in 34 years.' But God kept reminding me of something that Tim had said during the teaching. He said "There is freedom from shame when you can confess the sin to someone." The Lord would not leave me alone about this. But at the same time Satan kept whispering those lies to me. And I was confused! Did God want me to confess or did Satan want me to ruin my reputation with my friends.
On Thursday morning all the way to school I was praying about what God wanted me to do. I told Him I wanted to be obedient more than anything else and would He please make it clear to me what I needed to do. I got to school and within about 10 minutes my dear friend, Nina, came into my classroom and sat down across from me. Now, this is not unusual! Nina comes into my room every morning. However, she usually starts talking or working on something. What was different on this morning was she just sat down and looked at me like she was ready to listen. I could hear God saying, "Go ahead - tell her - get rid of your shame and be free!" So I very reluctantly began to talk to her about this big secret I had harbored for 35 years. She listened and she very tenderly talked with me about what had happened and about the things in my life that followed the incident. She helped me understand a lot about my choices during my late teens and how they related to this particular incident.
But the biggest thing I now realize is that there IS power in confessing to another believer. I now know that my dear sisters in Christ will not turn their back on me. I know that even though I had been forgiven I was in bondage to shame. But the good news is: Satan can no longer rub that shame in my face - I am free!!
Lord Jesus - You are awesome! I praise Your holy name! Your power has saved me and set me free! Thank You for my dear Sisters in Christ! Thank You for Nina and her amazing friendship! May I always remember the lessons You have taught me this week.
Last Tuesday the topic of discussion was confession - not just confession to the Lord but, of all things, confession to another believer. I have never been one to believe in public confession - God alone forgives my sin so why would I need to tell any human of my transgressions? Well that is not what we were taught last week. We were reminded that God's Word does say "confess your sins one to another". Another one of my biggest arguments with this whole thing has been that Satan likes to remind me too much of my past failures - I do NOT need to give him an opening to rub certain things in my face again. So I have been adament that I was NOT going to participate in confession and revealing my 'inventories' to anyone - it was just going to be between myself and my God! Well, as usual, the Lord had a different plan. He began to pester my about a shameful secret from my past (35 years ago).
This particular sin has been a heavy burden that Satan has repeatedly told me "If anyone finds out about this, you will lose all respect and they won't want to be around you anymore" "God may have forgiven you, but you will never be rid of this - it is way too BAD for you to forgive yourself".
As I prayed about this particular situation and asked God first of all to 'please don't make me do this - please don't make me confess this to anyone - there certainly can't be any good reason to confess this - I have been forgiven and turned from the sin never to return to it in 34 years.' But God kept reminding me of something that Tim had said during the teaching. He said "There is freedom from shame when you can confess the sin to someone." The Lord would not leave me alone about this. But at the same time Satan kept whispering those lies to me. And I was confused! Did God want me to confess or did Satan want me to ruin my reputation with my friends.
On Thursday morning all the way to school I was praying about what God wanted me to do. I told Him I wanted to be obedient more than anything else and would He please make it clear to me what I needed to do. I got to school and within about 10 minutes my dear friend, Nina, came into my classroom and sat down across from me. Now, this is not unusual! Nina comes into my room every morning. However, she usually starts talking or working on something. What was different on this morning was she just sat down and looked at me like she was ready to listen. I could hear God saying, "Go ahead - tell her - get rid of your shame and be free!" So I very reluctantly began to talk to her about this big secret I had harbored for 35 years. She listened and she very tenderly talked with me about what had happened and about the things in my life that followed the incident. She helped me understand a lot about my choices during my late teens and how they related to this particular incident.
But the biggest thing I now realize is that there IS power in confessing to another believer. I now know that my dear sisters in Christ will not turn their back on me. I know that even though I had been forgiven I was in bondage to shame. But the good news is: Satan can no longer rub that shame in my face - I am free!!
Lord Jesus - You are awesome! I praise Your holy name! Your power has saved me and set me free! Thank You for my dear Sisters in Christ! Thank You for Nina and her amazing friendship! May I always remember the lessons You have taught me this week.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Addictions and Grace
I have been taking a 16 week course at church - Conquering Addictions. We are on week 6. Everyone has an addiction, you know - it might be drugs, alcohol, smoking, pornography, eating, shopping, etc. This course has been offered several times and we were 'strongly' encouraged to participate. Some of the comments were "So much Bible" - "Great discipleship" - "Best thing I have ever done" - "It will bring you so much closer to God" - "It makes you go deep". I am one that LOVES Bible, discipleship, and going deep; and I am all about getting closer to God. But...this conquering addiction thing was not that appealing - not so sure I want to go down this particular road. But guess what - God kept pestering me and finally brought me to the point of knowing it is time to dive in and face my demons! Now, this is not an easy thing for anyone!!! Even though I am not battling the 'biggies', my battle is still a difficult one!! I like to eat and I like to shop! Both of these habits have gotten me into trouble throughout my adult life.
We began the course at the beginning. Sounds so simple - but I mean the beginning of the Bible. You know, In the beginning God created... I remember week 1 thinking - "OK, are you kidding me - I know this stuff forwards and backwards - don't think this is going to make me go deep"
Guess what? I was wrong! Imagine that. I have learned so much!!! I have been reminded about being created for fellowship and my need for counsel from my creator. I learned that after the fall when God told Eve her desire would be for her husband it meant she would want to control him - OMG - isn't that what every woman wants to do - control her husband, but men are made to be the head of the household - there is the problem - the battle for control!!! I have been reminded about the awesome story of the Gospel - about redemption, justification, and sanctification.
Last week we started addressing certain experiences we may have had in our past - things like sex, anger, and resentments. I thought "God, I DON'T want to do this!!! We have been over these things and you have already forgiven me! Why should I have to put this on paper and share with others? Can't this be just between you and me? And since you have forgiven me in the past, it is forgotten!! Case closed - I don't need to do this". Well, once again, NOT! He won't let me! God is making me think about people and events that I am harboring anger and resentment toward. Can you say, "Yuck!!" This is NOT fun!!! It is painful. I don't mean just painful having to dig down and pull out the past and recall how angry or hurt I was at the time - but painful to realize and accept any responsibility I may need to own for the resentment. I am not the type of person who likes to admit my faults! (The Lord has been working on me with this for quite a while.) And, you know what, all this pain and resentment recall has been making me kind of crabby!
But today I am reminded of God's grace:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
"How He Loves" by David Crowder Band
Lord, you are awesome! Thank you for your love. Thank you for loving me so much that you are jealous for me - jealous for me to live a life in the fullness of you. Thank you for pushing me, for molding me, for not giving up on me, and for forgiving me. Thank you for allowing me to fall in your grace as if I were sinking in the ocean. No matter how much I resist these inventories for Conquering Addictions I do want to be transformed for you!
We began the course at the beginning. Sounds so simple - but I mean the beginning of the Bible. You know, In the beginning God created... I remember week 1 thinking - "OK, are you kidding me - I know this stuff forwards and backwards - don't think this is going to make me go deep"
Guess what? I was wrong! Imagine that. I have learned so much!!! I have been reminded about being created for fellowship and my need for counsel from my creator. I learned that after the fall when God told Eve her desire would be for her husband it meant she would want to control him - OMG - isn't that what every woman wants to do - control her husband, but men are made to be the head of the household - there is the problem - the battle for control!!! I have been reminded about the awesome story of the Gospel - about redemption, justification, and sanctification.
Last week we started addressing certain experiences we may have had in our past - things like sex, anger, and resentments. I thought "God, I DON'T want to do this!!! We have been over these things and you have already forgiven me! Why should I have to put this on paper and share with others? Can't this be just between you and me? And since you have forgiven me in the past, it is forgotten!! Case closed - I don't need to do this". Well, once again, NOT! He won't let me! God is making me think about people and events that I am harboring anger and resentment toward. Can you say, "Yuck!!" This is NOT fun!!! It is painful. I don't mean just painful having to dig down and pull out the past and recall how angry or hurt I was at the time - but painful to realize and accept any responsibility I may need to own for the resentment. I am not the type of person who likes to admit my faults! (The Lord has been working on me with this for quite a while.) And, you know what, all this pain and resentment recall has been making me kind of crabby!
But today I am reminded of God's grace:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
"How He Loves" by David Crowder Band
Lord, you are awesome! Thank you for your love. Thank you for loving me so much that you are jealous for me - jealous for me to live a life in the fullness of you. Thank you for pushing me, for molding me, for not giving up on me, and for forgiving me. Thank you for allowing me to fall in your grace as if I were sinking in the ocean. No matter how much I resist these inventories for Conquering Addictions I do want to be transformed for you!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Disappointments and Forgiveness
I have been disappointed again!!! Life is full of disappointments. Maybe I have too high of expectations of others. I expect people to treat others with respect - I expect people to think of others - I expect people to treat each other the way they would want to be treated. I was raised hearing the Golden Rule almost on a daily basis (it seemed like it anyway). "Do unto others the way you would want others to do unto you". I also tried to instill that in my children. I hope I didn't preach it at them on a daily basis though!
I am struggling with the decision of giving someone another chance or being a doormat!
I wonder if it could possibly be God's plan to have put someone in my life - and for this person to hurt someone I love very much - all for His glory. Does this make any sense? I don't want to mention names but I will call this person Suzy Q. I am feeling like I am suppose to talk to Suzy Q, who has made me very angry!!! I don't think I am to talk to her about my anger - but I think I am suppose to talk to her about my Jesus.
I have watched Suzy Q become part of my family - we all love her! She has been very respectful and helpful - a wonderful person. She has willingly participated in the spiritual part of our lives. And now - BAM!!! She has done something that cuts me and my family to the core!!! People are saying 'kick her to the curb' - 'you are just asking for more pain' - 'you can't trust her and you can't have a relationship with someone you can't trust'. But I somehow feel like God is saying, "Love her" - "Forgive her" - "Talk to her" - "Don't put your faith in her, put your faith in me" - "Tell her I love her and what I have done for her" - "Plant a seed".
So I think 'okay, I want to be obedient - maybe God is getting ready to do something big here and I have an opportunity to be part of it, so, YES! I will talk to Suzy Q!'.
Then I start to think, 'I am trying to make this all about me - I just want to be part of something big for God so I can feel good about myself. Who do I think I am?'
What am I suppose to do here! Lord, please make it clear!!! So I am going back to what I have always heard about God's will - If it goes against His Word, don't do it. I think it is always God's will to share His love with others. Satan would NOT want me to do that - so he must be the one telling me to forget about it - Funny how he uses my pride issue to try and talk me out of sharing Jesus.
Lord, this life experience has reminded me that I am not to depend on others to fill me up. They will always disappoint me. Only You, Lord - the Living God - can fill me up. So fill me, Jesus, with you - Empty me of me and let me be a light for You in this dark world. I want to be obedient to You Lord. Allow me the opportunity to share You with Suzy Q and grant me the right words to say. Help me and my family to forgive her and to be an example of Your love. May you be glorified through this disappointment!
I am struggling with the decision of giving someone another chance or being a doormat!
I wonder if it could possibly be God's plan to have put someone in my life - and for this person to hurt someone I love very much - all for His glory. Does this make any sense? I don't want to mention names but I will call this person Suzy Q. I am feeling like I am suppose to talk to Suzy Q, who has made me very angry!!! I don't think I am to talk to her about my anger - but I think I am suppose to talk to her about my Jesus.
I have watched Suzy Q become part of my family - we all love her! She has been very respectful and helpful - a wonderful person. She has willingly participated in the spiritual part of our lives. And now - BAM!!! She has done something that cuts me and my family to the core!!! People are saying 'kick her to the curb' - 'you are just asking for more pain' - 'you can't trust her and you can't have a relationship with someone you can't trust'. But I somehow feel like God is saying, "Love her" - "Forgive her" - "Talk to her" - "Don't put your faith in her, put your faith in me" - "Tell her I love her and what I have done for her" - "Plant a seed".
So I think 'okay, I want to be obedient - maybe God is getting ready to do something big here and I have an opportunity to be part of it, so, YES! I will talk to Suzy Q!'.
Then I start to think, 'I am trying to make this all about me - I just want to be part of something big for God so I can feel good about myself. Who do I think I am?'
What am I suppose to do here! Lord, please make it clear!!! So I am going back to what I have always heard about God's will - If it goes against His Word, don't do it. I think it is always God's will to share His love with others. Satan would NOT want me to do that - so he must be the one telling me to forget about it - Funny how he uses my pride issue to try and talk me out of sharing Jesus.
Lord, this life experience has reminded me that I am not to depend on others to fill me up. They will always disappoint me. Only You, Lord - the Living God - can fill me up. So fill me, Jesus, with you - Empty me of me and let me be a light for You in this dark world. I want to be obedient to You Lord. Allow me the opportunity to share You with Suzy Q and grant me the right words to say. Help me and my family to forgive her and to be an example of Your love. May you be glorified through this disappointment!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Happy Birthday Levi!
Yesterday was a fun day!! We celebrated Levi's birthday a little late. Levi, Kate, Jake, and I went to The Incredible Pizza Place in St. Louis. Cole joined us for a while. We ate pizza, pasta, salad, dessert, etc and then took on the big game room! Jake, Levi & Cole did their best to impress us with their strenth at some type of hammer swing game and also a punching bag. We had fun playing mini bowling, Wheel of Fortune pin ball, skee ball, dunk the alien, guitar hero, a Sega dinosaur hunting game (till Jake and Levi were told they had to share the game by an employee), bumper cars, and flaming fingers (this one was quite addicting!). We actually accumulated roughly 1200 tickets in our hour and a half! Then we had the tough decision of what we wanted to get with our tickets! Levi chose a BIG tennis ball and candy, Jake and Kate got hackie sacks, Kate got a spiny squishy pink ball and candy, and I got 2 large foam dice and a spiny squishy pink ball.
Next we headed to the mall. Everyone made at least one purchase and we enjoyed some cookies and a cherry icee!
Last stop was PetSmart. I needed to pick up some breath mints for Pixie girl. The kids had fun checking out the dogs for adoption. Levi kept threatening to try to smuggle one home, but he couldn't pull it off. That didn't scare me as much as when Jake threatened to smuggle a snake home! Yikes!!!
We made it home safe and sound with no new pets!!!
It was a great family day - I loved every minute of it - just wish Seth, Jessica, Colby and Carson could have been in on the fun!
Next we headed to the mall. Everyone made at least one purchase and we enjoyed some cookies and a cherry icee!
Last stop was PetSmart. I needed to pick up some breath mints for Pixie girl. The kids had fun checking out the dogs for adoption. Levi kept threatening to try to smuggle one home, but he couldn't pull it off. That didn't scare me as much as when Jake threatened to smuggle a snake home! Yikes!!!
We made it home safe and sound with no new pets!!!
It was a great family day - I loved every minute of it - just wish Seth, Jessica, Colby and Carson could have been in on the fun!
Jesus Saves!
I received some very exciting news a week ago! My nephew, Jordan, accepted Jesus!!! He is a freshman at Southeast Mo University and had just moved down a few days before classes started. He walked into an open area (not sure where) but anyway there was 1 guy sitting at a table so Jordan went over and sat down and started talking with this guy. Turns out the guy is planning on being a pastor. This guy asked Jordan if he could share something with him and started talking with him about salvation. After several hours, Jordan asked Jesus into his heart! Jordan's words to me were: "I've never felt this good! I don't want to spend another day not living for Jesus!" He has been attending a Bible teaching church and is getting involved in the Campus Ministry! God is so awesome! I am so grateful that this one guy was obedient and bold enough for Christ to share his faith with Jordan!!
Lord, thank you for this young man who spoke out for you. He has made a difference in your kingdom and I ask your blessing on him. Father, I pray for Jordan - may his faith in you grow and may he fall deeply in love with You. I pray for the road that is ahead of him. Grant him the strength to face the temptations that Satan will place in his path. Help Jordan as he tries to be a witness to his family and friends - may they see the difference You have made in his life! Father, I pray that I could possess a bit of this boldness for You and I pray that others can see You in my life!
Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Lord, thank you for this young man who spoke out for you. He has made a difference in your kingdom and I ask your blessing on him. Father, I pray for Jordan - may his faith in you grow and may he fall deeply in love with You. I pray for the road that is ahead of him. Grant him the strength to face the temptations that Satan will place in his path. Help Jordan as he tries to be a witness to his family and friends - may they see the difference You have made in his life! Father, I pray that I could possess a bit of this boldness for You and I pray that others can see You in my life!
Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
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